This is Me

I feel like If I had someone who I hated so much that i wouldn't mind it if I just completely destroyed them that would be good for me. I have gone through all of middle school and elementary school and a bit of high school being angry at certain things but never once did i open my mouth or get pissed off. I am not exactly a "chill" person, Dylans made that clear enough, but In no way am i aggressive and after so long I feel like I am about to explode. It feels like your sick and the only way to get better is to vomit but you don't want to. Truth be told I end up just beating up myself mentally sometimes physically but never anything to extreme, its just easier for me than presenting my problem to the cause, other people. They don't get effected and i don't have to deal with their feedback. I am not about to kill myself or anything. But I feel like I am going to fucking explode. I wish I could just move to... somewhere else, texas, ha that sounds weird because I hate Texas but you know, it doesn't sound that bad right now. Oh, and I hate this...

Don't provide feedback

Ha, I'm retarded

Watch it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDvVKJtLocQ

So... I have been reading "Alice 's adventures in Wonderland" I almost felt like I was missing it when I hadn't read it so I got it for my birthday, along with a mug and a blank book. It's really cool actually, Its not a challenging read but its kinda twisted, in a sort of... cute way. Anyway, that's just for those of you that care... here is some stuff to tell you.

• My friends are awesome, like me they have flaws but i don't give a shit, at least they are fun to be around, unlike myself at times....
• Ulg, Latin was so horrible, I just sat there, pretended to be interested while trying so hard not to turn around. Ulg... I hope this passes quickly, girls suck.
• I just finished a shit ton of homework and wrote a page long essay that ended up being closer to three whole pages. i actually got into the topic, it was a good feeling.
  
• Spirit week is the most retarded thing ever, I want to feed all of these annoying pricks their own brightly colored pajamas right back to them, and their stupid comments.
• I wish I was particularly good at something...
  
• I wish i was a bit more like my dad, I talked to him yesterday and he told me some awesome stories of when he was younger, He took a trip to cali were he lived with his long distance friend named matchek and they shared an apartment took pictures, decided to become photographers and moved into a grungy little storefront were they "renovated". they turned the bathroom into a makeshift darkroom, it worked fine. My dad slept on top of it in like a sleeping bag and his friend did the same but on the ground. They made very little and got free meals at their jobs as waiters. He didn't have a shower though so he and his friend joined a gym. In like a year he decided it was time for them to expand so they bought an awesome old studio, lived in it for a while, had beds in the rafters and often used it to shoot downwards on whatever they were photographing. Then my mom came into play and joined the crew. She kinda forced him down and they moved into a different studio. Ohhh.... the smell of this place was soo great. It was natural, smelled like old wood and clean water. I still remember it and really want to go back to it sometime and... I dont know, live their?  It was so great. I wish i could have been older when I was their. It was in Texas and I loved it, I pretty much hate "most" everything about Texas but that was so amazing. thats what I want to live like.
• Here are some things that are awesome, cats, knives, (plural noun), My dad's old film camera, that is now mine and tea
• I have recently been proved wrong, color photography "can" be beautiful, but i still prefer B&W
• White stripes are the best, I can listen to them forever, I dont get sic of them and I rarely skip a song
• Ok, enough of this blogging, I am sick of this.
• ehh one more
• people say that catching smoke with your hands is really hard, sure, that's why i used a bottle I showed it to my mom and she told me not to burn the house down... there you go
  

So its all true, I did it all wrong, of course i am a downer I know it, I know how people feel and act around me, its like i infect them with my opinions and moods, that would make me sick, ill, infected, I need medicine, a cure, and that is to forget everything and move the fuck on with it all. Fuck I hate how i sound, I hate how i try t make changes and all i do is end up contemplating on what a failure of an attempt it was three months from then. Ha, i think i figured it out, I am fucking lame, people think i am interesting when they meet me but they don't care, they don't know me, why would they, People who know me think that i am different, that's good, but why do they think that, it doesn't matter, at all, forget i said anything.
I realized that the entire time when I thought i was going at it well i was all wrong, ALL WRONG. I was and have been completely and totally misinformed. Ha that might make me feel better now, kinda, but it makes the past just that much sadder, i guess I could use that. Thinking about how happy i was is what makes me fucking angry and mad at myself. maybe this is a good thing, maybe this is the best thing. You know what, I think it is.